sailor planet
by Inspector Dim
Summary: The Sailor Senshi have a tv show. With the 'help' of their enemies Mimete and Sailor Iron Mouse, they try to entertain the masses with puns, jokes, and fiery displays of anger. Join them today!
1. Chapter 1

**Sailor Planet**

**PD Wright**

This is a fiction story that is in no way connected to whoever owns Sailor Moon, or their subsidiaries. No profit is intended, and no infrigment is intended. So there. 

"And now," Sailor Mercury announced, "Here is Mimete with the Monday Ratings Report. Take it away, Mimete!"  
"Thank you, Mercury," Mimete squeaked, "As you can see, this line is up."  
Sailor Iron Mouse, at the bandstand, asked, "And what does it mean?"  
Mimete blinked, then squeaked, "It's very good!"  
"Yeah, yeah," Iron Mouse commented, "But what does it mean?"  
"It's very good!!" She answered, her squeak getting more and more shrill, "What'sa matter, can't you read?"  
"Thank you, Mimete," Mercury started, but was cut off by Mimete yelling, "What's wrong with you people?"

"Alright," Sailor Mars said, "Who here is evil? Sound off!"  
"I'm evil," Sailor Iron Mouse replied, and was answered by a explosion of laughter. Mimete was reading her manga again. Sailors Mars and Iron Mouse both sweat dropped.  
"I'm evil," Iron Mouse repeated, causing more laughter from Mimete.  
Sailor Mars put her hands together and started a enchantment.  
"Oh, not the hand jive again," Iron Mouse complained.  
"Nin, Pyou, Tou, Sha, Kai, Jin, Retsu, Zai, Zen," She intoned, then shouted "Akuryo Taisen!!"  
Suddenly, Mimete shuddered with a thousand volts of electricity, and when it subsided, she was on the floor, smoking slightly. Both sailors looked surprised.  
"Never saw it do that before," Mars observed.  
"That was quite shocking," Iron Mouse commented, as Mimete dragged herself up from the floor.  
"Next time," She said, "Warn me."  
Mars started the incantation again. This time, both Mimete and Iron Mouse were hit by the electric blast and fell.  
"I gotta try that at Usagi's next party," Mars murmured.  
Iron Mouse dragged herself up and commented, "Sheese.

"Check out the muscles," Sailor Jupiter commented, flexing said muscles.  
"No Chynna, are ya," Sailor Iron Mouse quipped. Jupiter spun around, shouted "Sparkling Wide Pressure!" and soon Iron Mouse was a smoking black figure.  
"What?" She yelled, "That wasn't an insult!"  
"It wasn't," Jupiter replied, "A particularly good joke, either."

"What," Sailor Chibi-Moon asked, "Are you doing?"  
The object of her question, Sailor Iron Mouse, was currently head first inside her prison pod. She replied, "Dropped my tuna sandwich."  
"So what?" Asked the pink sailor, thumbing threw the elder Moon's manga.  
"It'll stink up the place," Iron Mouse explained. She still fished around the pod some more. Chibi-Moon glanced over.  
"Oh, like Usagi's beef bowl and noodles?" She asked, "That's got a wanted poster at Azuba Juban's post office, with a warning..."  
"Found it!" Iron Mouse interrupted, waving her sandwich.  
"Nuts," Chibi Moon muttered.

"Hi, fans," Sailor Moon yelled, "And now, some letters, from you, our loyal viewers."  
Sailor Iron Mouse began to giggle, but Sailor Moon ignored her.  
"Our first letter is from Kyle Lettuce, from Cali.."  
"Goin' back to Cali, Cali, Cali.."  
"I love your show," She read, "I especially like Iron Mouse. She's too cute."  
"That," Sailor Moon interjected, "Is a matter of opinion."  
"Hey," Iron Mouse said, "When ya got it, ya got it."  
Sailor Moon ignored her, and continued, "But the person I like the most is Mimete. Are you planning on having her host her own show?"  
"Not," Moon muttered in reply, "If we can help it.."  
"Hey!" Mimete squeaked, "The fans have spoken. Give 'em what they want!"  
"What," Iron Mouse commented, "Some Lollicon product?"  
Mimete looked sour. She yelled, "I'm not that young!!"  
"Rii-i-ight," Said both Sailors.


	2. Chapter 2

The Monday Ratings Report

"And now," Sailor Mercury started, "Here is Mimete with the Monday Ratings Report. How are we doing, Mimete?"

"Look at the charts," Mimete squeaked.

"Hmm. 79% think that Iron Mouse should host Sailor Planet," Sailor Iron Mouse mused.

"Interesting idea."

"Yeah," Mimete squeaked. "If you wanna ruin a show."

Sailor Mercury just giggled.

Sailor Anger

"And what," Sailor Jupiter asked, "Did you do over the weekend?"

The object of her question, Sailor Iron Mouse looked up from her  
Galaxia voodoo doll, and replied, "I made a movie."

Jupiter blinked. Quite a few times.

"You? Made a movie?"

"Yes!" She replied. "I am King Of The World!!"

Sailor Jupiter and Mimette both sweat dropped.

"Just roll the clip, Sailor Bergman," Jupiter commented.

The clip opened in a dark and scary Forrest. Several Youma, dressed in  
unreasonable facsimiles of the senshi's fuka, wander thru, glancing  
around periodonly.

Suddenly, with diabolical acting, the Youma-Senshi stop and point.

A figure appears on a small hill.

It is Sailor Iron Mouse.

She laughs diabolically, and then throws an attack. The attack decimates the  
mock-senshi.

The clip ends.

"That's a… ah, interesting clip," Mimette squeaked.

"Isn't it, though?" She laughed. "I wonder what my chances at an Oscar  
are?"

"Sit down, Sailor Anger," Jupiter said.

How To Speak English

"Hi there," Sailor Venus exclaims, "And welcome to 'How To Learn English!' Lassanu Won!"

Sailor Iron Mouse said, "Ai Wayr A pentasoot anu a tii."

"Du yu wanutu furais wissu sasu?" Sailor Venus shouted, jumping heroically onto the desk.

"Wassu ees se sacurato saoso?" Mimete asked.

"Ha!" Venus laughed. "Lak eyed tal yu!"

Iron Mouse grinned evilly. "Sayla Benusu issa vig fatu kowa."

"Crescent beam!!" Venus yelled, sending her attack at Iron Mouse's prison pod.

"Thanks for joining us. Bye bye!!" Sailor Venus waved.

Letters

"Hi, fans," said Sailor Moon. "It's time again to read your letters. Sent in by you… The fans."

A letter appeared on screen.

"'I am President of the US. Signed, GW Bush."

She glanced around. "I think we need to empty these things out a little more often."

"And I thought this stuff was suitable only for Dan Quayle," Sailor Iron Mouse mused. Sailor Moon ignored her, and continued.

"This one says, 'Love the show. Mimete is my favorite character. She's so cute!'"

"Spoken like a classic fanboy," she interjected.

"I can't help what I am," Mimete commented.

"'I would like to see more of her,'" she continued.

"Well, whoop de do," Sailor Moon muttered.

"'By the way'" she continued with the letter, "'are the Outer Senshi going to show up? They are way cool."

"And what are we, chopped liver?"

"Face it, Odanga Otoma," Iron Mouse commented, "You've been overshadowed on your own show."

"Starlight Honeymoon Therapy Kiss!" Sailor Moon yelled, tossing Iron Mouse her fifth season attack. She had only time to squeak "Eeep" before she was hit.

"Signed, Howard Moosebiter, Wyoming," she concluded.

"Touchy, ain't she?" Iron Mouse muttered.


	3. Chapter 3

**Sailor Planet- Sailor Robinson**

The same disclaimer applies here.

Thank you.

Sailor iron Mouse was listening to her Ipod.

Sailor Mars yelled, "Hey!! What are you listening to?" 

She pulled one of the earbuds out and said, "I'm listening to the  
theme song from Hi No Tori..." 

"Theme song?" Mars blinked. "How come we don't have a theme song?" 

"Good question," Iron Mouse replied. "Guess you senshi just overlooked it." 

"Well, I'll take care of that!" Mars yelled, dramatically. 

"Uh, oh," Mimet squeaked. 

"Hello," Sailor Mercury said. "And welcome to the Monday Ratings Report. How are doing, Mimet?"

"Not good," Mimet squeaked in reply. She displayed a chart that was obviously upside down. "As you can see, the ratings are down."

"Oh, dear," Mercury replied, putting her hand to her mouth.

"Hey, waitta minute," Sailor Iron Mouse commented. "The chart is upside down!"

"Your right!" Mercury replied. She then spun the chart around. "See? The ratings are up now!"

"When the ratings are up," Mimet squeaked joyfully, "The whole world is made of chocolate cake!"

"Mmmm," Iron Mouse mused. "Chocolate cake!"

"Thank you, Mimet," Mercury said. "We'll look forward to next weeks Monday Rating's Report."

"Hey, Mimet!" Iron Mouse called. "Notice anything? I'm upside down- Just like your stupid report!!!"

Sailor Mars leaned over the desk, scribbling on a set of paper. Her  
face was screwed hard in concentration.

"Hey, Mars," Iron Mouse called. "How's the theme song?" 

A growl answered her. 

"And now," Mimet began, "It's time for 'In the kitchen with Mimet.' Today we'll be making..."

"The cooking segment is cancelled," Sailor Jupiter called.

"What? Why?"

"You remember that last delicacy you made?"

"Oh, you mean the Hot Dog Pough Platter?" Mimet asked. "What about it?"

"You remember what happened to Joji?" Jupiter retorted.

"How was I supposed to know he was allergic to cats?"

"Be that as it may," Jupiter replied, "The cooking segment is cancelled for the time being."

"Hey Iron Mouse," Sailor Venus called. "What US state can be used for home work?"

Sailor Iron Mouse simply stared gravely.

"Pencil-vania," Venus giggled. She then collapsed with laughter. Iron Mouse continued to stare.

"Do you get it?" Venus asked between giggles. Still no response from Iron Mouse.

"Do you," she asked.

"Yeah, I got it," Iron Mouse replied icily. Venus exploded into laughter again. Iron Mouse stared in stony silence.

"Pencil-vania," Venus giggled, nearly out of breath.

Iron Mouse rolled her eyes. Venus went on laughing.

"Hey, Mimet!" She called across the room. "Do you get it?"

Mimet exploded in laughter. Venus also laughed up a storm. Then, Mimet asked, "Get what?"

The other two sweat dropped.

"Pencil-vania," Venus said, then started giggling again. Mimet also exploded into laughter.

"I don't get it," she suddenly said.

Venus and Iron Mouse face faulted.

"And now, it's time for letters from you," Sailor Moon said, "The  
viewer." 

Sailor Iron Mouse giggled, but Sailor Moon ignored her. 

"Our first letter…" She began. 

Sailor Mars suddenly appeared on the set. She yelled, "I've completed the theme song!" 

The rest of the cast sweatdropped. 

"Let's hear it," Sailor Moon sighed. 

Sailor Mars cleared her throat, drank some water and began. 

"In the not to distant future…" 

The senshi and Mimet face faulted. 

"Nice job, Sailor Robinson," Sailor Moon commented. 

Sailor Mars glared at her. "Whattaya mean by that?" 

"It means, temple tart," Sailor Moon heckled, "That you're lost in space again." 

"Not as much as you are, odanga atama," She retorted. 

"The hands of fate have doomed these senshi," Iron Mouse chuckled. 

Mars yelled "Fire Soul" while Sailor Moon yelled "Moon Spiral Heart  
Attack!" The resulting light show left Iron Mouse a blackly scorched  
figure. 

"Push the button, Frank," Mimet squeaked.


	4. Chapter 4

Sailor Lugosi

Chaos boiled and sputtered.

In it's high-backed chair, it watched buffalo stampede before it's 'face.' Then, it reached out and pulled an invisible rope.

"Pull the string!" it intoned dramatically.

"Pull the string!!"

It then leaned back in it's chair. "A mistake has been made. And you are reading it."

A pause, then it continued.

"A story must be told."

"It's time for the Monday Ratings Report," Sailor Mercury introduced. "What's it like today, Mimet?"

"Look at the chart," Mimet squeaked as the aforementioned chart appeared on the screen.

"Hmmm..." mused Sailor Iron Mouse. "35% love us, 25% hate us, and the rest voted to replace us with 'Prince Valiant." She glared at Mimet. "Who conducted this poll, anyway?"

"Umm," Mimet squeaked as she checked her notes. "I got this from the 'The Sailor Senshi Are Wimps' Foundation."

"I'll show them!" Sailor Jupiter yelled from offstage. "Call us wimps, will they?"

Sparkling Wide Pressure, Burning Mandela, Venus Love Me Chain, and the Pink Sugar Heart Attack was launched at Mimet.

"Um... Thank you, Mimet," Mercury concluded. "We'll look forward to next Monday's Rating Report."

"Owww, that hurt," Mimet whined.

Sailor Mars sat on the desk, with her eyes closed. Her face was straining in concentration.

"What's with her?" Mimet asked.

Iron Mouse smiled. "She's helping me find something."

"Oh, yeah? Like what?"

At that moment, Mars opened her dark eyes and sighed.

"What's the story?" asked Iron Mouse.

Mars shook her head, sending her dark hair flying. "Sorry. I couldn't sense any 'Mr. Mojo Rising' around here. if it is here, it's not showing itself to me."

"Oh, well, at least you tried," Iron Mouse answered with a slight grin. Neither noticed that Mimet had fallen on her chair.

Sailor Jupiter was leaning over something sprawled out on the desk. All her concentration was focused on it, with sweat pooling off her face.

"Hey!" Iron Mouse called. "What're you doing?"

Jupiter whipped the object off the desk in a flourish. It was a sweater with "I love Mako-chan."

"Very good, Sailor Stewart," Iron Mouse commented sarcastically.

Jupiter threw down the sweater, jumped on the desk, and pointed threateningly at Iron Mouse. "I pity the fool!!!"

Iron Mouse sweat dropped. "Sorry I said anything, Sailor T."

As the picture came up again, Sailor Venus sat at the desk staring out into space dreamily.

"Hey, Venus," Iron Mouse called, "What are you doing?"

"Thinking," Venus said dreamily.

"Oh, yeah? Of what?"

"Um... Private things."

"What kind of private things?"

"If I told you," Venus said snappily, "They wouldn't be private."

"Well, excuse me!" Iron Mouse countered in her best Steve Martin voice.

Silence reigned. Then, Venus let out a deep, long, sigh, and turned red.

"What's going on?" asked Mimet, who had returned from the commissary with a big bag of chips.

"Sailor Venus," Iron Mouse answered sarcastically, "is thinking private thoughts about a guy."

"Oh, well," Mimet nodded, tearing her chips opened. "Anything new?"


End file.
